Thursday, March 10, 2011

Broken Down Bump

A few months ago, there was a news story that featured a motorized couch on wheels, invented by students.  At the time, I thought that college students could be quite moronic to design a concept which endorsed a lazy, couch potato society.  However, I would now do anything to be the proud owner of that ambulatory couch!  Idiotic college students: You have found your niche market! Imagine the wide world of opportunities a couch on wheels could present to bed rest preggers!  For one, we could venture outside, wheel around the block, without the fear of a baby falling out en route.  We could couch surf into restaurants, nail salons, the movies, even the beach and still be abiding by our doctors' strict bedrest ordinances.   

The other morning, I drenched my shirt in coffee, but patiently sat on my couch for an hour before my bladder was full and I had an actual excuse to move, without breaking protocol.  Yesterday,  I accidentally knocked my water bottle over, and could do little but stare as water gushed onto my hardwood floors (at least it wasn't water gushing out of my body!).  To make matters even worse, I no longer had any water to quickly fill my empty bladder and had zero excuse to peel body and bump from couch.  So, for a half hour, my eyes bore into the water-drenched wood, utilizing Jedi mind tricks, compelling it not to warp.  Eventually, my cat discovered this fascinating mini-water park and by then, I realized I literally needed to throw in the towel, full bladder or not.

I know that someday I will barely remember that I spent the last two months of pregnancy confined to couch and bed.  However, for this short glitch in my otherwise busy existence, my life is lived from the perspective of a couch potato, complete with a sack of potatoes in my tummy.  Sometimes, others sit alongside me, and other times I find ways to distract myself, even if it involves a daft, pathetic attempt at naming the fleeting squirrels in my backyard. 

Last night, my husband gave me a congratulatory pat on the back and commended me on "doing well" these past couple of days (I have not had a pregnant meltdown in three days--woo hoo!).  As he distributed a forehead kiss with a proverbial gold star sticker, I neglected to tell him that these past few days have really been quite uneventful and the feral animals living outside are now my dear confidants.

Unfortunately, my couch has not been hampered with by college students and my broken-down bump continues to remain in a stationary, horizontal limbo until I receive the green light out of the premie danger zone.

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