Saturday, February 19, 2011

Celebrating a New Life while Grieving the Old

Of course I thought that I would have an extra two month's of pregnancy to wish my old life goodbye.  The life I was used to living for thirty-two years, in which I was responsible solely for myself; allowed to make plans with whomever, whenever; and able to rush out of my house on a whim.  As my last trimester arrived, I thought about all of the unprecedented changes having a baby would bring and began a simultaneous process of grieving as well as celebrating the anticipated emergence of a new being.

One of my best friends told me that she and her husband had experienced this phenomenon a couple of months before her baby was born.  Together for eleven years, they reflected on their conjoint life, while also experiencing nervousness about adding a third person to their content matrimony.   As my own due date lingered somewhere off a three month's horizon, I thought back to what she had said and took special care to appreciate and wish farewell to a life before Baby J.

Every  morning I leisurely awoke, drank my coffee, and took a shower without having intermittent pauses to feed, change, or calm a crying baby.  Each evening, I would walk into a house of tranquility and appreciate the silence of the walls.  When my husband arrived home from work, I played a good little wifey and had dinner ready for him.  Then,we would usually relax into a pleasant conversation, and eventually ease into the couch to catch a movie or a TV show, before drifting to sleep.  Again, no other person infringed on our attention or our time together.

Jon and I have been together for five years, married for three, and we tried to do as much as possible before getting knocked up.  We traveled, enjoyed wonderful moments with our friends, and even bought a house.  Throughout our five years together, I tried to envision how he would be as a father and attempted to predict how our relationship would change if we did have a baby.  I always knew that he would be a great dad, but continue to wonder how our compatible, meticulous team of two will operate as a new player is drafted (Jon-you better give me credit for throwing a sports analogy into MY blog).

I also tried to see my girlfriends as much as possible and began the process of realizing that I would have fewer, though not extinct, chances of rendezvous with the gals.  Throughout my pregnancy, I attempted to schedule as many movies, dinners, and brunch-on-the-beach encounters with them.  Of course, I had to wish any bars or dancing venues sayonara before my pregnancy ever began but relished the fond memories of all of my girls' trips, nights on the town, and happy hours.  While always being a conservative, social drinker, occasionally in my pregnancy, I did experience a strong urge to jump across the table and down one of my girlfriends' glasses of wine or martinis.  And, I am really looking forward to my first girls' night out on the town post-baby.

When I left my house at 1am a week and a half ago, I didn't think that was the last time I would see my house, my cat, my job and all familiar surroundings before bringing the baby home.  But for now, I patiently wait, realizing that with Baby J, I will re-enter my life with a pair of new eyes, new ears, and an entirely new perspective.  So, I continue to lay in my hospital bed, in suspended animation, until the delivery of (keep your fingers crossed) a happy and healthy little boy.

1 comment:

  1. Sending you good vibes every day, Sam! You're inspiration for those moms-to-be like me who are a little bit behind you. You are AMAZING!